Saturday, September 1, 2018
Friday, December 29, 2017
'Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between.'
It began long before I knew. I always felt different. Everyone seemed to enjoy life, and were comfortable in their own skin. I always felt disconnected, and awkward. Why I had these feelings, I wasn't sure. I thought, somehow, I must have been born with bad luck, and that I would most likely always feel odd, and insecure.
My first realization came, when during a conversation with my cousin, I found out that my cousin's daughter and his step-daughter had been molested by my cousin's father. I was horrified for those two little girls. I had been victimized by the same man, many years ago. My cousin explained that he filed charges against his father, and there was a trial that was going on. The next thing I know, there's a knock on the door. It's my Dad. He said he thought he would stop by and say hi, and have a cup of coffee with me. He did this often. Checking up on his little girl and his nephew. Just an excuse to visit. So, I would put on a pot of coffee (if he didn't bring along his 'famous' thermos of coffee),and we would sit down and chat. He wanted to know if I had heard that his nephew/my cousin, Darrell was pulling some shit. That he was accusing his father of molesting his daughters. Then, the next sentence sent my heart to the floor. He said, the next morning, he had an appointment to testify for his brother, Darrell's father. I said, "testify, testify to what"? He said, "to his character, of course". He said, "I'm going to tell that court that (*&^(*&%^& (I still can't say his name) is not the monster that Darrell says he is. I knew that I couldn't let that happen. If my father knew what that man had done to me, he would never do this. But, I couldn't just tell him, he will be shattered. So, I called my brother, Steve. I explained what had happened, and asked if he would drive with me up to Paradise to tell my Dad's sister, Melma what was going on. My dad was very close to her. I knew when I told him, if he didn't have someone to talk to, to vent his anger, he just might take a gun, and go up and kill )*(+_)*+. I couldn't bare that, and my Dad didn't deserve to go to prison for killing a piece of shit. So, that afternoon, Steve and I set off for Paradise. It's about 3 hours, or so from the Bay Area. I called my Aunt Melma, so she was expecting me. I didn't say why I was coming, just that it was important that I talk with her. She said, "well, I don't know what all this is about, but, you just come on up, Gordon and I will be here". My Aunt Melma and Uncle Gordon were more than family, they were friends. Especially, to my Dad. So, I knew, if something in my Dad's life came crashing down, he would go to them for support, or just to vent.
Steve and I got to my Aunt and Uncle's house, and as usual, she had baked a fresh pie. She cut us a piece, and got us some coffee, and my chest felt like it was about to explode. I told them the entire story. I told them about the conversation I had with Darrell, the awful things that my Dad & Melma's brother had done to me, and now my Dad was going to testify the next morning to defend his character, and how I just couldn't let this happen. My Uncle Gordon asked, what can we do? I said, "I just wanted you to know, because, when I tell my Dad, I'm worried he may go off on the deep end. I want to make sure he has someone that he trusts and loves that he knows he can come to to talk to about it."
My Dad had told me the day before that he would come by on his way to Sonora the next morning. So, I decided, this is when I would tell him his brother was a monster, and that everything Darrell and his daughters were saying were, in fact, true. I knew this would be the hardest thing I had ever done. This is my Dad's pal that I will be talking about. At the time, his best friend. I called my Mom, to tell her about what had happened,and also to prepare her, and warn her that I would be doing this. My Mom had always been supportive to me. But, until the last 24hrs, I hadn't told a soul about this. Now, my Mom, Steve, my Aunt & Uncle, and now my Father would know. I felt like I was unraveling. But, there was no going back now. So, I put on a pot of coffee, and waited for my Dad to arrive.
So, I quietly sat down next to him, and explained, that he couldn't keep this appointment. He couldn't do what he was asked to do. He was very confused. He kept studying my face. He was quiet.
I revealed what I had kept to myself my entire life. I was 27 years old now. I told him that when I was eight years old, that man did the same thing to me while our families were camping together. I said, "Darrell is not making this up, and neither are the girls". I said, "you can't go Dad. I won't let you get up on that stand and say things about that man that just aren't true". He began to weep. He couldn't stop. I knew I had just broke my fathers heart. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to say to my father.
My father stayed home that day. He would never see his brother again. I knew that was hard on him. All his life his family was so important to him. The connection that he had with each family member. It's what kept him going. Neither he or I ever spoke about it again. We both just tried to go on. It was somewhat healing for me to say the truth to my father about the sins of his brothers past. But, not so healing for my father. He was hurt deeply. For me, yes. But also for himself. He had to not only grieve the loss of his baby brother that he thought he had known so well, but would never see again. He also had to try and forgive himself for not protecting his little girl. I knew he partially took the blame for what had happened to me. He should have been there. He should have watched me closer. My sweet father would suffer, carrying those restless thoughts the rest of his days. Sometimes he would spend time alone, just he and his tomato patch. My heart was heavy, knowing the tortuous thoughts that my father struggled with alone in his garden.
I learned recently that my Dad's brother died in March of this year. I remember feeling angry that he was allowed to have a longer life on earth than my father. That is so unfair. My father made some mistakes that I'm sure he was regretful for.but he was a very good man and the very best father & a very loving husband to my Mom. I was always very proud of my Dad for the way he raised my brothers and I. And my Dad was the best Grandfather I could have ever wished for. The other "sub-human" just existed. No one will ever say any of those great things about him...because they weren't true. He breathed in and he breathed out. One day he was born, one day he died. All that he did in between that time was exist. If he did anything, it was iniquitous and depraved. He never contributed anything positive to this earth.
I understand that "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord".But, I like to think I am allowed one wish in return for his evil acts against children in general, and for the acts he committed upon me personally. My wish is that he return to where he came from. The fiery pits beneath earth. May he burn in hell forever more. And, may his sick and immoral, evil accomplice of a wife join him very soon.
May God forgive me and have mercy on my soul for my vengefull thoughts. In the name of the Lord, Amen.
I revealed what I had kept to myself my entire life. I was 27 years old now. I told him that when I was eight years old, that man did the same thing to me while our families were camping together. I said, "Darrell is not making this up, and neither are the girls". I said, "you can't go Dad. I won't let you get up on that stand and say things about that man that just aren't true". He began to weep. He couldn't stop. I knew I had just broke my fathers heart. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to say to my father.
My father stayed home that day. He would never see his brother again. I knew that was hard on him. All his life his family was so important to him. The connection that he had with each family member. It's what kept him going. Neither he or I ever spoke about it again. We both just tried to go on. It was somewhat healing for me to say the truth to my father about the sins of his brothers past. But, not so healing for my father. He was hurt deeply. For me, yes. But also for himself. He had to not only grieve the loss of his baby brother that he thought he had known so well, but would never see again. He also had to try and forgive himself for not protecting his little girl. I knew he partially took the blame for what had happened to me. He should have been there. He should have watched me closer. My sweet father would suffer, carrying those restless thoughts the rest of his days. Sometimes he would spend time alone, just he and his tomato patch. My heart was heavy, knowing the tortuous thoughts that my father struggled with alone in his garden.
I learned recently that my Dad's brother died in March of this year. I remember feeling angry that he was allowed to have a longer life on earth than my father. That is so unfair. My father made some mistakes that I'm sure he was regretful for.but he was a very good man and the very best father & a very loving husband to my Mom. I was always very proud of my Dad for the way he raised my brothers and I. And my Dad was the best Grandfather I could have ever wished for. The other "sub-human" just existed. No one will ever say any of those great things about him...because they weren't true. He breathed in and he breathed out. One day he was born, one day he died. All that he did in between that time was exist. If he did anything, it was iniquitous and depraved. He never contributed anything positive to this earth.
I understand that "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord".But, I like to think I am allowed one wish in return for his evil acts against children in general, and for the acts he committed upon me personally. My wish is that he return to where he came from. The fiery pits beneath earth. May he burn in hell forever more. And, may his sick and immoral, evil accomplice of a wife join him very soon.
May God forgive me and have mercy on my soul for my vengefull thoughts. In the name of the Lord, Amen.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Put One Foot In Front Of The Other......
I must keep this thought....stay focused....think....move forward....focus....focus. It's all uphill my mind tries to tell me. I don't want to listen. I can't fail if I just try. Focus. School starts in five days. Check. Searching for gainfull employment. Check..Check. I've never felt so mentally stuck before. So, "out of focus". Just register. Books are in hand. Lump is in throat. Check, check, check. I love school. I love to learn. I look forward to that. It's the getting myself there that's the hard part. I have to talk myself into it. Sometimes yell at myself....YOU CAN DO THIS! I had a wonderful teacher who once told me that I was afraid of success. Maybe he was right. I know he was right, who am I kidding. My famous line. "It is what it is"..."It just is".
I'm not too old, it's not too late. I am capable of making a better life for myself. I just need to believe that. When did I stop believing in me? I made a few bad choices a few years back....no names, not necessary. The point being, I brought negative change to my life....for what? Temporary happiness, temporary fun. Yes. It was a time when reaching back to my youth sounded like a good idea. Really...that's all I was doing. Again...it was only supposed to be temporary. These experiences destroyed my life, like a rock being chipped away, a piece at a time. I never expected the worse. That wasn't going to happen to me. That happened to other people, but, not to me. But, it DID happen....TO ME.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Horses For Sale California
i couldn't sleep...feeling anxious....so, i wander over to the computer to pass the time....
i was online maybe a little over an hour or so....when the next thing i know...i type in the search bar...."horses for sale California". now i must point out....that i was not looking to buy a horse....i did not have horses in my life...i wasn't even thinking about horses....at all. i simply typed those words (for some reason) in the search bar. the list of search results appeared, and i scrolled down to a website, and (for some other reason i don't know) chose this particular website that featured horses for sale in California. on that page i scrolled down and saw an add that had the following description .... "6 mo. Sorrel Quarter Horse For Sale"...she was a filly...her name was 'Kahlua'...and the location was Livermore. i thought...wow...that's practically in my backyard...so, i clicked it. the add had a thumbprint sized photo of the horse, which also had me intrigued. from the tiny picture...i knew then, that the horse would be beautiful....i just didn't know how much. when i opened the add, the picture that was a thumbprint grew, and now i could see this unbelievably gorgeous horse. i said to myself..."wow...i wonder what this horse goes for"? i really had no idea what horses cost. i figured $20, 000...$30, 000. i was curious at this point...so, i read on....
$850 or best offer
that's what it said...i couldn't believe it! so, wait a minute...someone like me could own a horse?? i never thought in a million years that someone like myself could own a horse. i thought they were exclusive to wealthy people. Churchill Downs Kentucky Derby kinda people...not me.
then i thought, hmmm. maybe it's possible. i realize i don't have any knowledge of horses...but, i'm willing to learn. i wrote the phone number down, and decided i would call in the morning.
i called the next morning, and spoke to a very nice lady who asked me when i would like to come see her. she said she also had Kahlua's mom, and i could meet them both. we made arrangements to meet that night at her home. i went that night with my friend, and had no expectations whatsoever. i really didn't know if i was going to be purchasing this horse or not. i really didn't know what would happen...i just had to go see her.
when we got there the 'horse lady' greeted us, and offered to take us around back where her horses were. this was a huge property in the middle of the Livermore wine valley.
then...there she was...this beautiful...little...adorable....sweet face. and, she walked toward me. she stood in front of me, and looked into my eyes. i was in love!! then...she bent down and started to eat my shoe. yep. i said, eat my shoe. i thought...'how funny is that?!' i turned to my friend, and said..."i have to have her". my friend knows me. once i make my mind up, it's over...run for the hills...troubles coming. i met Kahlua's momma too. she was also a beautiful creature. i felt bad to take her away from her mother....but, i knew someone would...and, i thought maybe...just maybe it was going to be me.
you have to understand....during this whole event....i was in a fog. a complete fog. it was as though i was possessed....i was me...but, someone, or something else was moving me through all of the actions throughout the entire experience. that's how it felt. i was sort of in shock.
i asked 'the horse lady' what the best offer was that she would accept? she said, "i'll take $800, but, i can't really go any lower than that". i didn't even hesitate...i said "sold". i knew that was exactly how much that i had left in my savings account. so did my friend. she just looked at me, and smiled. she knew that there was a new member of my family...just like that.
then...here come the questions...the 'horse lady' asked, "do you know where you're going to keep her"? i said, "no". then, she asked, "do you have a horse trailer"? i said, "no". so, i confessed (some) that i was new to the horse world, and i wasn't as prepared as i would have liked to be. she was very nice...she said, "look around, and when you find a place for her, let me know, and i will bring her to her new home, and i'll bring her mother along for comfort, that will make things go a lot easier. until then, she's welcome to stay here, and i won't charge you any board". i thought...wow...how lucky am i? this is unbelievable. i can't believe this is happening to me. someone pinch me. for God's sake...i own a horse.
i wasn't sure i liked the name Kahlua. i never in my life thought that i would own a horse...i was pretty sure i didn't want one named after alcohol. that didn't sound like a good start. i thought and thought, as i searched the internet for ideas. then, while talking to my friend...it hit me.
my friend and i are big Nicholas Cage fans. we have seen every movie he's made. one that we like a lot is 'Leaving Las Vegas'. in the movie there is a scene where his character 'Ben', is trying to pick up a hooker, 'Sera', (played by Elisabeth Shue) on the Las Vegas strip. when Sera gets in the car, Ben says...
"hi...my names Ben"
"i'm Sera".
Ben: "with an H"?
Sera: "no, with an e....S E R A....Sera".
i was online maybe a little over an hour or so....when the next thing i know...i type in the search bar...."horses for sale California". now i must point out....that i was not looking to buy a horse....i did not have horses in my life...i wasn't even thinking about horses....at all. i simply typed those words (for some reason) in the search bar. the list of search results appeared, and i scrolled down to a website, and (for some other reason i don't know) chose this particular website that featured horses for sale in California. on that page i scrolled down and saw an add that had the following description .... "6 mo. Sorrel Quarter Horse For Sale"...she was a filly...her name was 'Kahlua'...and the location was Livermore. i thought...wow...that's practically in my backyard...so, i clicked it. the add had a thumbprint sized photo of the horse, which also had me intrigued. from the tiny picture...i knew then, that the horse would be beautiful....i just didn't know how much. when i opened the add, the picture that was a thumbprint grew, and now i could see this unbelievably gorgeous horse. i said to myself..."wow...i wonder what this horse goes for"? i really had no idea what horses cost. i figured $20, 000...$30, 000. i was curious at this point...so, i read on....
$850 or best offer
that's what it said...i couldn't believe it! so, wait a minute...someone like me could own a horse?? i never thought in a million years that someone like myself could own a horse. i thought they were exclusive to wealthy people. Churchill Downs Kentucky Derby kinda people...not me.
then i thought, hmmm. maybe it's possible. i realize i don't have any knowledge of horses...but, i'm willing to learn. i wrote the phone number down, and decided i would call in the morning.
i called the next morning, and spoke to a very nice lady who asked me when i would like to come see her. she said she also had Kahlua's mom, and i could meet them both. we made arrangements to meet that night at her home. i went that night with my friend, and had no expectations whatsoever. i really didn't know if i was going to be purchasing this horse or not. i really didn't know what would happen...i just had to go see her.
when we got there the 'horse lady' greeted us, and offered to take us around back where her horses were. this was a huge property in the middle of the Livermore wine valley.
then...there she was...this beautiful...little...adorable....sweet face. and, she walked toward me. she stood in front of me, and looked into my eyes. i was in love!! then...she bent down and started to eat my shoe. yep. i said, eat my shoe. i thought...'how funny is that?!' i turned to my friend, and said..."i have to have her". my friend knows me. once i make my mind up, it's over...run for the hills...troubles coming. i met Kahlua's momma too. she was also a beautiful creature. i felt bad to take her away from her mother....but, i knew someone would...and, i thought maybe...just maybe it was going to be me.
you have to understand....during this whole event....i was in a fog. a complete fog. it was as though i was possessed....i was me...but, someone, or something else was moving me through all of the actions throughout the entire experience. that's how it felt. i was sort of in shock.
i asked 'the horse lady' what the best offer was that she would accept? she said, "i'll take $800, but, i can't really go any lower than that". i didn't even hesitate...i said "sold". i knew that was exactly how much that i had left in my savings account. so did my friend. she just looked at me, and smiled. she knew that there was a new member of my family...just like that.
then...here come the questions...the 'horse lady' asked, "do you know where you're going to keep her"? i said, "no". then, she asked, "do you have a horse trailer"? i said, "no". so, i confessed (some) that i was new to the horse world, and i wasn't as prepared as i would have liked to be. she was very nice...she said, "look around, and when you find a place for her, let me know, and i will bring her to her new home, and i'll bring her mother along for comfort, that will make things go a lot easier. until then, she's welcome to stay here, and i won't charge you any board". i thought...wow...how lucky am i? this is unbelievable. i can't believe this is happening to me. someone pinch me. for God's sake...i own a horse.
i wasn't sure i liked the name Kahlua. i never in my life thought that i would own a horse...i was pretty sure i didn't want one named after alcohol. that didn't sound like a good start. i thought and thought, as i searched the internet for ideas. then, while talking to my friend...it hit me.
my friend and i are big Nicholas Cage fans. we have seen every movie he's made. one that we like a lot is 'Leaving Las Vegas'. in the movie there is a scene where his character 'Ben', is trying to pick up a hooker, 'Sera', (played by Elisabeth Shue) on the Las Vegas strip. when Sera gets in the car, Ben says...
"hi...my names Ben"
"i'm Sera".
Ben: "with an H"?
Sera: "no, with an e....S E R A....Sera".
just love the way she says that line. so, it was official...Kahlua's new name would be Sera. it fit. Sera has a little bit of an attitude about her just like the character that Shue plays in the movie. definitely...a mind of her own. but, beautiful??!! i'm not sure i have ever seen, nor will i ever see a more beautiful creature.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Georgia....On My Mind
i happen to think that i am blessed to have the best mom in the world. i suppose a lot of us feel that way.....so, this year (1993) i decided i wanted to do something extra special for my mom. we had recently received a wedding invitation for a friend of ours who lived in Savannah Georgia. i knew my mom wanted to go...but, didn't really consider it, because she really couldn't afford it, and, she had only been on an airplane once before in her entire life. (that's another story....for a later date). i knew i had just done my taxes, and i was expecting a refund.....so, when it came, i went to the travel agency here in town, and made the reservations. i picked up the tickets just before mother's day, and decided to have a little fun. on sunday, mother's day....i hid the tickets in a secret place in my house. when my mom arrived....i was so excited! i handed her a mother's day greeting card, and when she opened it....inside was a sticky note that read: "i have a surprise for you....look on the bookshelf, behind the vase...." she was perplexed...but, she played along...."okay", she said...and went to the book shelf, where she was met with her next sticky note with her next clue...."go in the kitchen, look in the dishwasher, on the top shelf"....this went on, and on....and, just when she couldn't take it anymore....she found the tickets. when she saw the little airplane on the envelope, she knew...but, she couldn't believe it. she was so excited! "you're kidding", she kept saying. "YOU'RE KIDDING". but, i wasn't kidding. we were on a plane the following friday.
we (my mom, Michael, and i) arrived in Savannah late friday evening, rented a car, found somewhere to eat....then, it was straight to the hotel for a little rest, and to prepare for the upcoming day. i found this great hotel right on the beach on Tybee Island, which is just a short drive from Savannah. if you've never been to Georgia....Tybee Island is a little like Santa Cruz or Capitola. it's a quaint, small town, beach atmosphere. we just fell in love with it! we were able to catch a little glimpse in the morning on our way to Savannah....and, the seafood lovers that we are....i knew we had some restaurants to discover when we got back to the island.
on our way to the 'square' where the wedding was to take place...we soaked up some of the beautiful scenery Savannah has to offer. this was the best time of year to be there, according to the locals....and, it sure looked like it to me. some of the most spectacular oak trees i had ever seen. just took my breath away. as we were driving our little dodge neon rent-a-car through the town....we came to a four-way stop sign. there was a market on one corner, where a tall gentleman was standing, holding a single brown grocery bag in his arms, waiting to cross the street. as i approached the corner, i motioned with my hand for him to cross in front of us.....after all....i made sure that we left in plenty of time....we were in no rush at all. the man, however....just stood there....and well...looked at me. he made no motion to me....he said nothing. i motioned again...then, i looked to my mother, and said "why won't that man go"? she jokingly said..."maybe he's afraid your gonna hit him". i said, "uh, uh...he does not think that....does he?" i looked back at the man, and motioned again....he simply would not move. now, i'm really confused....why won't this man go? then, suddenly...he started to step off of the curb....but, he was not about to cross the street....it was clear. i tried to smile...but, that didn't affect him at all. this went on for long enough...this man was not going to cross in front of me. i just didn't understand....could my mom be right? was he afraid? of me? did he actually think that i would run him down? why would he think that? why would he fear me? it hurt my feelings, and had me very confused. then it hit me....he's black. i'm not...and that IS fear on his face. how could this be? in this day and time...1993...not 1963. my heart was broken.
when we got to the 'square' where the wedding would be....which wasn't entirely easy....there are many 'squares' in Savannah, and apparently it's where a lot of people like to get married, i noticed that there were many weddings in many 'squares' that we saw. this particular square was really neat, i found out later, that it's where they filmed one of the scenes for 'Forrest Gump'. the scene where Forrest waits at the bus stop, talking to the different people, and has that famous line..."life is like a bunch of chocolates"....except that (little known trivia) the 'square' is on a one way street....and, for the film...the scene was set up that the bus drives up along the curb with the bus's passenger side towards the park bench. in 'real' life...the bus would arrive at that park bench with the driver's side facing it. we thought that was pretty cool.
i found one of our friends, Mary (it was her daughter, Jennifer who was getting married)....and i started to tell her about what had just happened to us on our drive through town. i could tell by the look on her face, that she was not surprised. she said "dear...you're from California...things are different here". i said..."i don't understand". she explained to me that things have not changed as much as they should have since the civil rights movement in the 1960's. there are still lines that divide people by their races in Georgia. "you're lucky that you live in such a diverse area....we still have a long way to go before a black person will walk in front of a car driven by a white person", she said. "yes...it's a shame...it's very sad...but, it's the way it is", she said.
this was such a foreign concept for me. even though i have heard racial slurs, and have witnessed bigotry here and there....it's never been something i have been comfortable with. i have always felt strongly about this. so much so, that i made a conscious effort when raising my son, that he would not be exposed to bigotry, if i could help it. i would correct my grandmother when she would tell my son that "the little black boy", or "the little italian boy" came by looking for him. i realize that that's how it was for her when she was growing up....everyone had a label, an identification according to their race. i did not want my son identifying his friends by their race, i refused. i would say..."no, Nana...you mean Marcus came by, or Anthony came by". she would say, "yes, honey...that's what i said". she was quite funny....but, she did understand what i was saying, and what my wishes were for my son....and along the way she learned too.
Jennifer's wedding was beautiful.....we ate at some fantastic restaurants. one of our very favorites was "The Crab Shack". we went on a tour of Savannah....what a gorgeous city. before we knew it...the time flew by...it was time to go home. i'm so glad we were able to go....we all had such a great time....but, my mom had the best time.
we (my mom, Michael, and i) arrived in Savannah late friday evening, rented a car, found somewhere to eat....then, it was straight to the hotel for a little rest, and to prepare for the upcoming day. i found this great hotel right on the beach on Tybee Island, which is just a short drive from Savannah. if you've never been to Georgia....Tybee Island is a little like Santa Cruz or Capitola. it's a quaint, small town, beach atmosphere. we just fell in love with it! we were able to catch a little glimpse in the morning on our way to Savannah....and, the seafood lovers that we are....i knew we had some restaurants to discover when we got back to the island.
on our way to the 'square' where the wedding was to take place...we soaked up some of the beautiful scenery Savannah has to offer. this was the best time of year to be there, according to the locals....and, it sure looked like it to me. some of the most spectacular oak trees i had ever seen. just took my breath away. as we were driving our little dodge neon rent-a-car through the town....we came to a four-way stop sign. there was a market on one corner, where a tall gentleman was standing, holding a single brown grocery bag in his arms, waiting to cross the street. as i approached the corner, i motioned with my hand for him to cross in front of us.....after all....i made sure that we left in plenty of time....we were in no rush at all. the man, however....just stood there....and well...looked at me. he made no motion to me....he said nothing. i motioned again...then, i looked to my mother, and said "why won't that man go"? she jokingly said..."maybe he's afraid your gonna hit him". i said, "uh, uh...he does not think that....does he?" i looked back at the man, and motioned again....he simply would not move. now, i'm really confused....why won't this man go? then, suddenly...he started to step off of the curb....but, he was not about to cross the street....it was clear. i tried to smile...but, that didn't affect him at all. this went on for long enough...this man was not going to cross in front of me. i just didn't understand....could my mom be right? was he afraid? of me? did he actually think that i would run him down? why would he think that? why would he fear me? it hurt my feelings, and had me very confused. then it hit me....he's black. i'm not...and that IS fear on his face. how could this be? in this day and time...1993...not 1963. my heart was broken.
when we got to the 'square' where the wedding would be....which wasn't entirely easy....there are many 'squares' in Savannah, and apparently it's where a lot of people like to get married, i noticed that there were many weddings in many 'squares' that we saw. this particular square was really neat, i found out later, that it's where they filmed one of the scenes for 'Forrest Gump'. the scene where Forrest waits at the bus stop, talking to the different people, and has that famous line..."life is like a bunch of chocolates"....except that (little known trivia) the 'square' is on a one way street....and, for the film...the scene was set up that the bus drives up along the curb with the bus's passenger side towards the park bench. in 'real' life...the bus would arrive at that park bench with the driver's side facing it. we thought that was pretty cool.
i found one of our friends, Mary (it was her daughter, Jennifer who was getting married)....and i started to tell her about what had just happened to us on our drive through town. i could tell by the look on her face, that she was not surprised. she said "dear...you're from California...things are different here". i said..."i don't understand". she explained to me that things have not changed as much as they should have since the civil rights movement in the 1960's. there are still lines that divide people by their races in Georgia. "you're lucky that you live in such a diverse area....we still have a long way to go before a black person will walk in front of a car driven by a white person", she said. "yes...it's a shame...it's very sad...but, it's the way it is", she said.
this was such a foreign concept for me. even though i have heard racial slurs, and have witnessed bigotry here and there....it's never been something i have been comfortable with. i have always felt strongly about this. so much so, that i made a conscious effort when raising my son, that he would not be exposed to bigotry, if i could help it. i would correct my grandmother when she would tell my son that "the little black boy", or "the little italian boy" came by looking for him. i realize that that's how it was for her when she was growing up....everyone had a label, an identification according to their race. i did not want my son identifying his friends by their race, i refused. i would say..."no, Nana...you mean Marcus came by, or Anthony came by". she would say, "yes, honey...that's what i said". she was quite funny....but, she did understand what i was saying, and what my wishes were for my son....and along the way she learned too.
Jennifer's wedding was beautiful.....we ate at some fantastic restaurants. one of our very favorites was "The Crab Shack". we went on a tour of Savannah....what a gorgeous city. before we knew it...the time flew by...it was time to go home. i'm so glad we were able to go....we all had such a great time....but, my mom had the best time.
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