I must keep this thought....stay focused....think....move forward....focus....focus. It's all uphill my mind tries to tell me. I don't want to listen. I can't fail if I just try. Focus. School starts in five days. Check. Searching for gainfull employment. Check..Check. I've never felt so mentally stuck before. So, "out of focus". Just register. Books are in hand. Lump is in throat. Check, check, check. I love school. I love to learn. I look forward to that. It's the getting myself there that's the hard part. I have to talk myself into it. Sometimes yell at myself....YOU CAN DO THIS! I had a wonderful teacher who once told me that I was afraid of success. Maybe he was right. I know he was right, who am I kidding. My famous line. "It is what it is"..."It just is".
I'm not too old, it's not too late. I am capable of making a better life for myself. I just need to believe that. When did I stop believing in me? I made a few bad choices a few years back....no names, not necessary. The point being, I brought negative change to my life....for what? Temporary happiness, temporary fun. Yes. It was a time when reaching back to my youth sounded like a good idea. Really...that's all I was doing. Again...it was only supposed to be temporary. These experiences destroyed my life, like a rock being chipped away, a piece at a time. I never expected the worse. That wasn't going to happen to me. That happened to other people, but, not to me. But, it DID happen....TO ME.
